What to Remember When Waking

"...To be human
is to become visible
while carrying
what is hidden
as a gift to others..."
Excerpt from ‘What to Remember When Waking’
From River Flow: New and Selected Poems
Many Rivers Press. ©David Whyte

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Please see Attachment: Word of the Year 2015

I had decided in November when I was looking for something that I knew I had but was unable to locate in my home that whatever my word of the year for 2015 would be, it had better have something to do with helping me to deal with all the stuff  I've accumulated since I bought this house. It would be eight weeks later when I was at a cruising height of 37,000 feet and an hour and a half into the flight home from a holiday in Phoenix, Arizona when I found what my word of the year was. I was reading a special tribute article to Stephen Gaskin from the November 2014 issue of The Sun magazine that I slipped into my bag for in flight reading. Regarding attachment:

"Attachment is really based on the idea that we think that anything that we have around us belongs to us.  None of this stuff belongs to any of us. We just happen to get the use of it for awhile.  We're masters of it, because we have binocular vision and opposable thumbs that makes us good at handling three dimensions. But none of that jazz belongs to us, because it can't belong to us; we die, it stays.  It's merely a mocked up creation that our minds have put together and then agreed to forget that it was a joke, and its the material plane. None of us can claim it..."

He went on to say something else regarding attachment that struck me. I have been thinking about my own misplaced loyalties.
"...The thing about attachment that is most real for us, I think, is the idea of being attached to our own feelings and opinions. That is what I find most people are really attached to more than anything else....and it becomes an excuse for doing anything.

You can't steer on that kind of information. For one thing, you have to be non attached to your feelings, because the feelings can be a trap. People say they do things for feelings, but they really do things for energy.  Think about that.  When you see a relationship going on, dig which way then energy is flowing, 'cause that's what it is really about, not the emotional noise that is going on. So just cut loose and don't consider that emotions are reliable enough information to steer your head on.  Your head is a more delicate machine than that; it needs better information than that."

 Stephen Gaskin. (1970) "Monday Night Class" Summertown TN: The Book Publishing Company


That was it. Word found.

Attachment  
            noun
1. 
a means of securing; a fastening
2.
(often foll by to) affection or regard (for); devotion (to): attachment to a person or to a cause
3.
an object to be attached, esp a supplementary part: an attachment for an electric drill

The Original Misplaced Loyalty

My father's absence in my life was a great gift once I got to the other side of the mountain called my childhood. I learned a lot of different ways of being in the world that parented children did not enjoy. Without vital information I learned to find my way through intuition, feeling and cunning. I lied often. I was good at it. I cultivated within myself what people now refer to as an empath's life. Like children do, I compensated for the absence of my father. I made things up and answered for that over the course of growing up because, apparently nature abhors little children not being given every opportunity to live full lives. Little children who design strange realities for themselves often have to get lost in the real world to find themselves. I was alone and repeatedly in harms way being  fatherless.  I was helped with these adversities later in life but still I never actually gave up entirely my penchant for making things up; especially when under duress.  There were some really rough lessons with that, even with all the counseling I went through. Probably my hardest lessons have come from my penchant to try and navigate my life through my feelings, which makes Gaskin's statement above so heart rendering and relevant to my life.

Through my feelings I found the people I needed to find. I always quietly sought my father through my life and finally found him in the eighties.  I didn't look for him by research like normal people. I found him by being in the spot to receive the information I needed (or wanted) to have. I worked in a microbiology lab at the time and his specimen came across my work station. When I met my father as adult, I was overwhelmed by affectionate feelings for him. In hindsight it would have made more sense to hate him for the abandonment. My love for him was too precious; it was still too vital. He felt bad seeing me, obviously, and would have rather skipped the whole reunited thing but I guess he felt obligated somehow to play along. (He brought me a radio as a gift, of all things! I was overjoyed.) Had I been stronger or better counseled, I would have reclaimed the power I gave him over me at that juncture. As it was, I came undone after our paths crossed. I lost my job then my children and  there was a huge inability for me to process what had happened. And here is where the tale takes on a nasty kink; my father introduced me to his son. Years later my son returned to me by choice when I lived in Arizona in an important reconciliation after the train wreck with my father. 

My brother and I experienced an overwhelming feeling of connection upon being introduced. We were overjoyed with each other. We had been separated for 30 years by family politics. What is alarming to me is to realize that I came within a hare's breath of shagging my own brother because, had I experienced that kind of attraction, say, in a bar 'back in the day', I would have shot first and asked questions later (if at all). Back then I had no way of discerning the different kinds of resonances of attraction between people acting out as I was. Seriously, I would have had him before we left the parking lot without taking names. That may not be a big deal for some people but had that happened to me, I would have been pushed around the bend. I have a strong sense of humor but that would have been bad for me having to suffer that kind of knowledge through family Thanksgiving dinners, what with all the rest of it. Would you like white or dark? Gah! No! Fortunately I was well beyond those years at our meeting and I could name the connection, although my brother found it difficult telling the difference. What was an issue and intensely sobering for me is the knowledge that my Dad was a notorious skirt chaser as was my brother. Pop was a fisherman who plied his trade and his party up and down the Pacific Northwest the waters.  How many sibz are out there, I always wonder? I don't know but I do know this: sometimes the Universe takes no prisoners.

 Who Invited the Universe?

Because I am on this type of reclamation journey of my life, I later received a tremendous opportunity  to learn a lesson regarding my 'assuming mind' while affiliated with an online radio station in Alaska that began  in 2002. Before Facebook or anything really glamorous regarding social media got a foothold, there were chat rooms.  I pressed against my better judgement and connected with these people online and was rewarded with life affirming joy as I cultivated these relationships (besides healing some very serious wounds with radio and music from my past). Repeatedly my mind would wander into assuming that I knew what someone was putting down in chat only to find out later I had it more wrong that I'd ever expect. I was shocked! Over and over this would happen and I finally developed an insight on how my mind projects expectation. I learned to develop some critical thinking. My reward was being able to listen again. I had my hearing then but I could not listen to music before I mastered critical thinking. The psyche is an amazing thing. I even went to visit my welcoming virtual Alaskan friends. Frankly, I've rarely been welcomed anywhere so there was a tremendous healing that transpired within me from their generosity. I worked with this in learning to connect properly with people; attach through the heart and the mind. Sadly things folded rather dramatically and painfully for my friends in Alaska. I tried to stay out of the fray. To this day I don't know entirely what went down; only that there was suffering. It was a deep loss for me to loose the camaraderie and the constant stream of new music. It was a place where I could go that was safe. I loved my place there even though it was mostly virtual.

Lots of loss was swept into the folding of my beloved online sanctuary. My mother's death, my sister's death, six days later my new brother's death, my dearest pet and familiar succumbed to cancer (possibly taking a bullet for me); the loss of my ability to hear and my job, as well as the income and the acquaintances I made at work. Surprisingly, a disenfranchisement from my sibs surfaced with the loss of my Mother who, I came to realize after her death, was my soul attachment to that tribe. There were aftershocks of grief with my sister's death as well that tore into my relationship with my niece who I had been close to. No one bothered to tell me my brother died.  I found out by surfing his name...but I felt it.  I'm an empath.

I have been up against some pretty intense alone time with my grief. I thought I was on top of it but in spite of me there entered my penchant for making things up...that old survival habit. Something becomes fixed in my mind, usually based on a very overwhelming feeling towards someone that is based on nothing that I can make tangible and I hold on for dear life. "Dear life" is the operative word here. I will hold on for decades to something I feel I want to be true to; someone to be loyal to. I tell no one - absolutely no one. That is what keeps it sacred. That's my rule. The intended must be the first to know my feelings but, curiously, I can never find a way to share them. Just the thought of telling anyone else makes me feel as though I will not only die but be ripped open by carrion before I'm let die. Seriously. Really sad and terrifying. This is my essential attachment based solely on a feeling. I've done it all my life and it served me well replacing what I needed as a child. Magical connections made me feel protected. It only recently occurred to me that I might have failed someone other than myself with my rules of magical thinking. That dichotomy requires that there not be anybody real involved because it is designed for a vulnerable fatherless child not a capable adult woman. I have emerged from my cocoon with caterpillar consciousness.  I had the weight to protect me from this and now the weight is leaving.  If I don't get over this, there will always be something generated from within me to keep me separated from healthy attachments. I do it by habit now and it serves me up plenty of alone time with the Universe batting me around for fun. This kind of attachment must go.  It's long overdue. I will have to to spill and let it go.

How to let go of things that are vital.

Years ago, after I had learned a new and acceptable language to converse about my rather rough entry into adulthood it was a sort of a natural gravitation into consciousness raising groups.  It was the late 70's and I was in California, after all.  That is what happens to the walking wounded there; (it is that or you might  happen to take the route of sucking various substances up your nose from mirrored surfaces, in which case you often end up in some kind of recovery or finding your way home somehow, if you don't die). In the course of these enlightenment sessions we would do exercises that were designed to track psychically where our energy goes; to actually visualize and identify cords that connect people; to ourselves and others. I was always removing tentacles and retracting ones I shot out in those early days. I had a busy aura. I was pretty smashed up.

We were counseled to always be careful with our great and awesome powers and to regularly examine our motivations. I never doubted the importance of this even in my most vulnerable moments and especially in my most wicked ones. There is some really bad tangles that one can get into with exchanging energy on that level. For me especially. I do not dabble with people's energy. It's obviously a bad thing and it requires a great deal of skill and responsibility. We were also taught the chakras and what they represented and we learned to drop ourselves into them at will like were were lowering a slant six into a Chevy chassis. I rather enjoyed those classes but was no better a student at that than I was in academics. Weak attention span. I would frequently pop up out of my meditation to find my teacher biting her lip with a worried look on her face as she examined my aural acrobatics.  Sometimes I caught her laughing. I really wasn't much of a medium. In fact, my private joke was to refer to myself as 'a small medium at large'. I never did do adequate service to these skills and for the most part, once I used them to corral my own wild horses, I just continued to use them to track my own business. The discipline has been very useful in that way. I am pretty good at keeping myself contained and present now even if I am weak at keeping others out. Being able to delineate different types of vibrations from people and being able to see where they are sending their energy from in their bodies has been a self preservation tool. I do admit that I inadvertently wander through the doors of perception from time to time however and slip through the veils when they are thin.  So yeah the Universe has a bit of fun with me once and awhile and I bring it on myself. Perhaps because I'm paying attention and I'm fascinated and willing to be childlike, I get away with so much. There is so much going on all the time a person could melt down with the reality of it...at least that has been my experience.

Happily I do not live in a vacuum. Amid the losses, I have cultivated a few healthy relationships over the years. My sons have shared their loves with me in finding worthy and sporting partners. One has upped the ante by blessing me with two Grandchildren who are way better suited for the world than I am right now. I learn a lot from them about what is real and worth the effort. It is my love for them that tells me that I am really letting love down by cultivating misplaced loyalties. I get much of what I did not get as a child by watching them receive what is needed in their lives now...love and attention and gratitude. My sons have made much of what is wrong with their Mom fly like it was not at all strange to be Mothered by a woman like me and I love and appreciate the latitude they give me in that regard. I have a few friends and they would, I think, do just about anything to help me, should I ask.

So yeah...as old as I am, I'm still attached to devises I established to survive being fatherless as a child. I'm not proud of that. I can let go. I must let go of that attachment to recieve all that it separates me from.



 Video by Warner Bros Records
Photo: Bodhisattva

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Word of the Year 2014: Courage - My Cup Runneth Over

This is the last post on my word of the year for 2014: courage. As is my way, I employed a personal challenge of weight loss to ground myself in a better understanding of how I progress. The loss of 32 pounds, while not but half what needs to go for optimal health, has played an important part. I am leaner, stronger and  more anchored in my self care. I feel transformed and lighter; on the precipice of a new way of being in the world. I am feeling more able to drop my habit of self-deprecation. Also with cultivating courage came more attention to my habits as a consumer and how to stand by my purchasing power. I'm clearer in my convictions regarding my economic responsibilities. The profound lesson of this word, however, was found in an abundance of examples of bravery that caught my attention in the world around me over the year as I shared in earlier blog posts.

There has been a plethora of examples of courage as injustices and struggles have mounted all over the world. People - both singularly and en masse - have stood up clearly outside of their comfort zones to make their stand, declare their opinions or lend support to causes that they felt strongly about. There has been plenty to choose from because so much policy currently is dysfunctional and it is as if the entirety of civilization - both east and west - has slid down the rabbit hole of decline lately. There is no denying the world looks much different from the one I entered 61 years ago.  From a civil point of view, it barely resembles the same planet.  I'm sure that someone born in 1853 reflecting on WWI would have said the very same thing in 1914 and it would be just as true.

In observing these movements and ideologies at work, I see that courage often means following one's heart - acting on it - leading with it. With all the atrocities at large these days, it seems that these outside influences are calling our courage out. Whether it is the ravages of nature and disease or the bi-products of cultivated avarice and war, we are swept up and  invited to choose and be counted. Certainly that has been the case for me.

The End Of Time

I currently work with people who are religious and as part of their support team, I read to them from their religious texts (though I refrain from discussion). I would do this no matter what the religious affiliation; Muslim, Hindu or Baptist, etc...It comes with the work, to accept all diverse faiths and to support whatever my client needs in the way of spiritual support. I was raised Christian - Anglican, specifically - and, as a child, I quite loved the whole ceremonial bits. I enjoyed the feeling "a part" of a community that was bathed in a kaleidoscope of stained glass and pipe organ music. I sang in the choir, became one of the youngest children to memorize the catechism to take communion and as a charity case they shipped me off to exotic places to go to summer camp annually. I know a bit about religion from a very tempered Christian sensibility. So it happened, because I am reading  (in this particular case) evangelical material daily, I have had on my mind Armageddon and how current events seem to play so handily into these prophesies. I know, however, that it has been 'the end of days' since Western Civilization first named the world. Later, with narrative came a stream of observations of man's inhumanities to man and documentations there of. You don't have to be Shakespeare to see how this plays out because the basics of human nature repeat the same over and over and over again.  Only the weapons employed and the disproportionate numbers of humans and their needs  have changed. Religion can be a handy tool box for shoring up what one needs or wants to hear to feel safe and maintain a moral compass. But while we are busy mooring ourselves to safety, what about being brave?

Those of us who have experienced spirit in the world in such a way as being touched personally by "that which passeth all understanding" have been set onto a journey that is not easily comprehended by those who have never been forced into an exile beyond the paridigm of conventional human experience. Certainly, there are struggles enough within the ever changing norms in every life not withstanding such an experience.  One does not leave everything of what one knows of survival and love willingly.  There is often a trauma; a shock or an hunger so violent that one is propelled into a life that is completely beyond reason yet, almost cruelly the same. Not so much the same as to allow a return to innocence, however; not so much to be able to return to the the kind of shelter religion provides.  One is too large, too vibrant and too aware to return to such a life, safe though it felt. I would think it would be pretty clear to anyone who has had such an emergence...and equally obtuse a concept to anyone who hasn't. It is from this place that I feel the need to muster the courage required to say what I see regarding this current "end of times" and how it relates to bravery.

I am of the opinion what we are working with, as humans, is more of a numbers game than a fisticuffs between good and evil played out on a green screen stretched across time. I have seen the population grow from 3 billion people to the over 7 billion people in my lifetime and I can tell you that from my perspective the woe of this world has a lot more to do with the impossible numbers of disenfranchised people and the depletion of resources than any other factor present. The difference in experience from walking down a street in 1960 to walking the exact same street 2014 is so overwhelmingly a contrast as to be a fictional act. Explaining this to a younger person feels like trying to explain water to a fish so I leave it to the popular cultural abstracts of time machines and science fiction fantasy to defining that. Meanwhile the precipitous wall of humanity is climbing ever higher. History, where the truth sleeps, is too daring or banal to reflect upon apparently and yet an examination of what has worked in the past and what there is of passion in the hearts of mankind could be our saving grace.

To follow one's heart; an invitation to do the right thing by our true self and not be so easily cowered sounds so very cliche. However, a true life altering choice does not dance on the head of a pin. Leaving ones evaluation to a judgmental deity may allow a person some room for personal forgiveness but at what cost?  A sincere choice takes a person  to where they will go forth from in all ways; a value choice will forever change a life.

A Life Beyond Judgement

The choice from the heart by its very nature will be a value judgement. One is pressed into choosing what to do constantly and often that choice involves a physical presence and risk. Whether it is coming out of the closet with one's sexuality or stepping into the parade with the KKK because one can no longer keep silent about their need to support white supremacy; should it be calling someone out for abuses to oneself or the exploitation of someone else or, perhaps, it is rolling up one's sleeves to lean heavier into the status quo to try and stop what one deems as civil decline. These are all choices that are made everyday by people and if it be courage or cowardice, it is essentially a private matter with a political consequence. The sad irony that I realized this year is this; each choice is considered by the chooser to be courageous...and who among us can say it is not without slipping into a judgment of our own?

Judgement is a powerless place that disguises itself as influential and vital.  To live without discernment requires a phenomenal inner strength and perception but I see it as the nonviolent way forward. I doubt it will ever become popular in my lifetime but it is my course anyway and if I look into the hearts of those that displayed what they considered their bravery over the year, I see a strength of purpose and focus on what they truly feel was in line with their destiny. Whether it is cutting down a village of possible insurgents in a foreign land, following through on a training to protect citizens by killing what is believed to be a threat to society or shooting a bullet in the head of a young woman for standing up for the educational rights for females. These are all deemed necessary and courageous acts by those involved who have judged them so.

I do not know how to live beyond judgment - I'm only aware of my constant bias and how it effects my choices and then, consequently, everything around me. It is with this knowledge that I have decided that I have as much courage and as much cowardice as anyone.  I get up everyday and make a choice about how I will live (because I have that privilege). I make a choice to see the glass, decide if it be half full or half empty until something - whether it be avalanche, flood or volcano - Parkinson's, pneumonia or cancer - sweeps through my life; or some ONE takes to killing my neighbor or violates me or my loved ones tipping the glass over and, if not shattering it, displacing its contents to such a degree that another - perhaps a bolder - choice is required. That is how we grow...by pushing through or being pushed... but it is how we define these experiences, that is what makes us brave and who we are everyday. It is knowing how we judge others that will liberate us from the ceaseless combat between good and evil; knowing that it is a glass...besides understanding our impression of the amount therein that will allow life to exist beyond time.

High Water Risin'

We are all courageous and cowards in our imperfection and at some level what is encouraged within us merges into a reality everyone experiences and judges. We are empowered to recognize the pure heart of what matters but only if we do so without judgment allowing love in its timeless way take the day.



Video by Amador Ortiz Ochoa
Photo by Jean Berard Studio

Saturday, November 1, 2014

A Good Day to Die

It is the cusp of the Day of the Dead and I am seized with the story of Brittany Maynard. End of life and beyond is my bailiwick these days and since my word of the year is courage, I can think of no better way to examine the word than to reflect on this young woman's bravery and the kind of courage it takes for a person so full of life to choose death over extended suffering.

Brittany is 29 years old and is facing only a few months left to live her life.  She has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer that will undeniably render her into a reality of unfathomable pain and suffering. She has uprooted her life and moved her family to Oregon to take advantage of the death with  dignity law there. For Brittany it is important that she do everything possible to avoid the inevitable throws of suffering her diagnosis promises.

Her journey is notable and a great gift to us all in that she has allowed us to witness her process as she and her family come to grips with her final exit.  Her first video explaining her intentions can be viewed here. In utilizing the choice to alleviate the suffering of a terminal and painful diagnosis, she is teaching us what to expect with these laws in place. There are a faction of people, most notably those who believe that human suffering is their God's will and should not be overridden in any way, that refer to this act of compassion as "suicide". I can see how those who have never sat with a loved one and watched them writhe in pain would not understand how death with dignity could be sanctioned. I suspect they want respect their religious icons who have suffered for them and uphold their dogma, which is their right. Physician Assisted dying is not suicide, however.  Some deaths are suicide; some deaths are dignified and within the realms of compassionate caring. There is a huge difference that some people just will not allow themselves to consider. What  is good about this law is that it can be safely and conscientiously applied to those who want and need it and ignored by those who choose to put their fate into the hands of their religion. 

Heroically Brittany is taking her steps one at at time and using her right to change her mind. She continues to keep us all up on her thoughts on this as can be viewed here. She anticipated leaving this world on November 2nd and even though she is declining, she is still finding value in each day and has opted to wait until she feels she has actually crossed that quality of life threshold. There is great heart in this young woman. A strength most of us could only dream of aspiring to.

I can't help thinking about Robin Williams while I reflect on Brittany's story. I was really shaken by Robin's death in August.  Recently diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and battling with depression, he took his life in a most unfortunate manner. He deserved much better for all the gifts he shared with us over the course of his career. It is not hard to imagine our having Robin around longer had he had a death with dignity option at his disposal in the state he lived in .  How many others, I wonder, go flailing helplessly into the transition from life to death alone and in pain with no allowance for relief?

I also reflect on Gillian Bennett's decision to end her suffering also in August. She faced an unavoidable debilitating fate with dementia.  She choose a time before her disease progressed to a point where she could not remember her plan and left a letter to us all regarding her decision here. She left an amazing legacy in her courage to follow through with what she felt was right for herself and those she loved.

I'm not a religious woman but I recognize spirit and I believe with all my heart and soul that it is our work in this world to alleviate the suffering of our fellow beings. There is nothing more important than living fully in the moment as many terminally ill persons have attested to. It is a tough bit of business to look death in the eye while your heart still thrashes in your chest and gravity still pulls you along stubbornly from the center of the earth. People should not be denied love in these hours simply because we are not brave enough as a culture to stand next to them as they look into the abyss. With all my heart I seek the courage to not look away and to be there to support those who know their time has come. My day will come too - as will yours - and I want it to be a good day at the end of a good life.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Behold the Monarchy - Courage and the Need to Be

I have managed to miss posting on the fall Equinox, as I had hoped to.  I had a good excuse. I was enjoying my grandchildren at the beach at the time. I also didn't quite know what to write about regarding my journey with this word, courage, as the year comes to a close...that is, not until today.

I had the good fortune to attend a social gathering last night.  It was held in a home that I had been to before, just after I moved to Bellingham ten years ago.  That event was also a party.  I was treated to a unique opportunity to compare the me I was then to the me I am now and  I have to  admit, with all the water under the bridge, I am a completely different beast this time around! Some of the things were the same; the fighting past my introversion to attend at all and the plotting to leave after the requisite 45 minute attendance.  What was new was a tolerance for that part of myself and an openness to let the evening unfold as it will beyond any expectation of feeling uncomfortable. That was very new.

When considering this post, I've been thinking about the way I have been emerging with the weight loss regimen.  I've been thinking about the folly of dieting and the many reasons people fight to loose their weight. All the factors that are involved; the fashion industry, popular culture, the lies, the influence of poverty and the vacuum of trying to fulfill other people's expectations. It is enough to make ones mind explode. I wondered if I would be writing about those things over the year as I was following through on this promise to myself.

What I realized when I reached the magical 30 pound weight loss marker was that this has been a very personal journey that had to happen. I had to find the courage to commit to my health and well being or I would die.  It is really that simple. All those other "issues" where just smoke. I could not live a quality - or ANY type of - life if I had continued to plow my way through food while dragging my body along in my daily endeavors as I was doing.  As I lightened, I also received an epiphany regarding why I choose being heavy...there was an investment and a reason. I wanted to be invisible; I wanted to hide so I could change. Weight was required. I needed - not only to move to the farthest upper left hand corner of the United States by myself - but I needed to hide from the world at large by being large. It was a perfect disguise, if wearisome as a mask that I had to look at in the mirror for over ten years but that was part of it too. That was the getting "fed up" part of the process. 

All of this weight loss may sound overwhelmingly liberating for me and it is. Now it is revealed that there is another level of courage that is required.  I'm presented with a "do over" of sorts. There is an overwhelming pull to redesign a life that will replicate past mistakes. Fortunately, I haven't been exactly idle in cultivating my interests and most of those are things I would never have dreamed I would find the least bit interesting ten years ago. As well, I have a bale of lessons learned regarding my nature and my nurture that are much clearer to me now. All and all the foundation has been laid to become more present and the courage to move forward with that awaits my command of the key. Committing to finding the courage to be more accessible to trust others; the courage to be a me that I really do not understand well but have faith in; the courage to accept a life of flight to the end and leave off the groveling earthbound focus I have understood and loved are all the new needs of a lighter me.

The dark times will close in soon to reveal next years word of the year but I can't be bothered with that right now.  My wings are drying while new ways of being in the world are forever unfolding in an endless panoply across a welcoming sky.



Thank you to dscottprod  for the video and Ronni Bennett of Time Goes By and my buddy, Joe Ormond, for inspiration in getting my courage up.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Where Weight Goes

I am writing this on the summer solstice, I am determined to stop time from marching all over my best intentions to post. My house is an absolute mess, the garden neglected; no less than three home maintenance projects have been started just this morning and abandoned mid task so I can sit here and write about my word of the year, courage, from the apex of the year.

What have I learned about courage? That is the question.  I read over my other entries on my word and I am feeling that my journey with this is not going to take me anywhere near what I expected. Originally, it escaped me that I would actually feel different six months into weight loss. I think I may have imagined that my ego would puff up with some kind of new self esteem like a balloon or something. I thought I would be able to leap tall buildings with a single bounce but it is not at all like that. Perhaps because of the intimacy of the task that I have undertaken in the process of losing the pounds by doing it step by step a few ounces at a time. It is not an inflated experience at all.  It is quite the opposite.  I feel more solid.  I feel strong and able bodied with the exercise and discipline.  My sense is that the unencumbered state of me, as I wrest myself from my cocoon of padding, is causing me to carry myself differently and it is influencing me from the inside out. I have definition and a new set of reactions to the world. I didn't expect that.

I am also remembering the joy of exercising and competing with myself.  I was athletic and a musician and singer before puberty when all the wretched bits were let loose in me.  I enjoyed sports in gym class and, later, dancing was my bailiwick.  I completely forgot how physical I was!  It seems funny now that I'm used to getting up every morning and walking and going to the pool regularly that I didn't even consider this as an option before. So I guess you could say I am recalling a self long buried and I think she is braver than I.

The courage of conviction.

One of the things that has happened since I last wrote is that I was seized by a small mention from a friend that a local department store that I frequent, Fred Meyer, was now selling hand guns and ammo in their sporting goods department. I sat in dumb silence as I tried to imagine pushing my grocery cart past a gun display.  There had recently been yet another shooting in a public place by someone who should not have been eligible to purchase a gun but could do so easily. These two incidences came together in me and culminated in my making a stand regarding the open display of handguns in high profile thoroughfares in the store where families push their children by in carts and strollers. Even though it was not MY store where the gun display was being installed (somehow I think they wouldn't dare try there, knowing better) but just north a few miles, it still seemed like an irresponsible thing to do and, frankly, I think the Kroeger Corporation should rethink their policies regarding the profile of these displays.  They can put electronics in a cordoned off area to protect their investments; why not an area for sporting goods so people can decide whether they want little Joey to slather over a semi-automatic pistol displayed proudly in a glass case two feet from the floor while pop looks over the tent options for the camping trip.  When does this corporate person-hood show some corporate cajones and step up and do something responsible and stop turning a blind eye to the reality that many of the people they are selling guns and ammo to are not responsible individuals equipped for the trip?

As stated in their response to me, they comply with all the laws regarding sales.  Well that is small comfort for those of us who know that the rules are made to support the NRA not the reality of what is happening in our neighborhoods.  No one is saying they cannot sell guns and ammunition but why can they not be proactive and treat them with the respect that arms designed and built specifically for human harm deserve? It is not the guns I find to be the problem but the romance of gun culture and the swaggering shoot from the hip problem solving that blossoms under this ideology.  This concept puts stores into a bit of a paradoxical mess with their marketing, their arms merchants and pleasing their demographic, no doubt. I did not get a straight answer from Kroeger. I got the form response saying, essentially, that they will run it up the flagpole at the next meeting. I dropped the issue and found the courage to change. I broke up with Fred.

This seems like the logical step for me beyond the gun issue. My dieting has revealed I'm buying too much food and my politics want me to buy more locally and utilize small business anyway.  I guess you could say corporate consumption handed me a gun and I opted out of playing and turned towards the sun; a more responsible consuming pattern for myself.  They may not believe that they have a choice but I do.

I attribute this new courage of conviction to my new physical strength and a clarity given to me by having more movement in my life.  It is more me than I'm used to handling of late, but I also think it is good; its time and I'm happy to meet my renewed self half way.



video credit Oono Daisuke 
photo credit Happy Healthy Vibrant

Thursday, May 29, 2014

The Food Fight

Well, spring has sprung and I am still at the drawing board with my eating disorder and my word of the year, courage. I missed reporting at the Spring Equinox but I haven't been exactly idle.  It took awhile for me to get an actual purchase in this endeavor, however.  I ate my way through the existing food in the larder and replaced those things with more healthy foods.  I then began throwing the healthy foods in the garbage because I wasn't getting to them soon enough.  I discovered I was buying too much fresh food. I was buying too much food, period!  It doesn't take much to consume 1350 calories a day. Of note: organic food spoils. Who knew? I then got my Y Membership going and got back into the pool doing water fitness a couple times a week.  Then, to deal with the motivation, I hired a gun.  My insurance allows for a counselor and my doctor who eyed my 211.8 weight for February with an arched brow, gladly wrote a referral.  She noted 3 lbs a month would be a good goal.  That's 30lbs in 10 months! It sounded so "doable". Fifteen years I've been overweight (though not over 200 all that time).  I can hardly imagine loosing that much weight in 10 months! I became giddy over the prospect. I then got lucky and found someone fabulous to talk to and we've yet to talk about food BUT...then there was a twist...

The internets came to my rescue once again and I now have a new best friend named MyFitnessPal.com! One site linked to another when I was sitting at the computer brooding over the fact that I could not afford a pricey weight-loss program like Weight Watchers.  I read a review that said this web site was as good or better than what Weight Watchers offered and it was FREE! FREE! FREE! ...which just happens to be within the high end of my price range.

So now I have a counselor, a gym scholarship from the Y and a virtual best friend who reports to me saying, "Cile is on a 28 day streak of keeping her records!"  and "Cile has followed a fitness program today that burned up 658 calories!" and "Cile was under her calorie goal today!" It even says, "Cile has lost 8 lbs since May 1st and will weight 190.3 lbs in 5 weeks if she keeps up what she did today!" I now want nothing more in life than to please my new friend, Fit. We bill and coo as I enter the data and tally my calories daily.

Oddly enough it all turned out to be about calories.  I was making the eating thing way harder than it needed to be.  To my chagrin it is the same old thing I was told when I was a teenager.  CALORIES!  Watch them! Burn them!  Don't eat more to compensate for what you burn. Period. My healthy body is slowly reappearing and I feel happy because of the endorphins that I've come to enjoy on a regular basis...also, my knickers don't pinch me anymore.

So how is what I am doing courageous?  I think that taking on something - anything - that stands in the way of one's health and well being takes courage...especially when there is a fear at play keeping one from their quality of life. Certainly that is true with how I was doing food and my consequent my weight. Perhaps this journey with weight loss is just a dress rehearsal for new challenges that await me.  Who is to know? I aim to find out. I'm happy with my progress and I want to end this post with something that David Whyte posted on his Facebook Page:

IN MEMORIAM: MAYA ANGELOU 1928-2014

COURAGE

is a word that tempts us to think outwardly, to run bravely against opposing fire, to do something under besieging circumstance, and perhaps, above all, to be seen to do it in public, to show courage; to be celebrated in story, rewarded with medals, given the accolade, but to look at its linguistic origins is to look in a more interior direction and toward its original template, the old Norman French, Coeur, or heart.

Courage is the measure of our heartfelt participation with life, with another, with a community, a work, a future. To be courageous, is not necessarily to go anywhere or do anything except to make conscious those things we already feel deeply and then to live through the unending vulnerabilities of those consequences. To be courageous is to seat our feelings deeply in the body and in the world: to live up to and into the necessities of relationships that often already exist, with things we find we already care deeply about: with a person, a future, a possibility in society, or with an unknown that begs us on and always has begged us on. Whether we stay or whether we go - to be courageous is to stay close to the way we are made.

©2014 David Whyte
Excerpted from ‘COURAGE’ From the upcoming book of essays CONSOLATIONS: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

Yes. That is what I want; I want to stay close to the way I was made.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

That Ol' Pie Hole Has Got Me in its Spell

  The lock fell soundly securing the door behind her massive presence...
        NOTE: Due to copyright issues I had to trace my own cartoon.  More about that here.  Picture inspired by Bernard KlibanWild Cat. Original can be seen here. You get the idea...

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I realized today that there was a reason that I passed on "courage" years before when choosing a word of the year. I suppose I was so caught up in the "intellectual" aspect of the word and how it applied to my new endeavors that I forgot the actual walk behind the talk that the word implied. After the shiny bits of imagining myself as a great advocate for end-of-life dignity by December 2014 began to fade, the reality of what it really takes to be courageous set in.  I am essentially a fraidy-cat by nature and nurture.  Courage involves a major paradigm shift in me and one that has to begin at home. Needless to say these realities were met with a grievous disappointment and lack of will within me and I was deeply depressed over it all last month. Who wants to clean up their own backyard and find personal dignity before they take on the world? No one. Who has to? I do...really, I must.

It seems obvious to me that what requires the most courage of all from me is finding the will to dignify my own life. I need to start by being honest about something: I need to admit I have an eating disorder. I suspect it started after I quit smoking in the 90's as that is when my metabolism and thyroid gave out.  Those incidents were unfortunate and I took on some strange eating habits but the eating disorder didn't REALLY set in until I moved to Bellingham in 2004.  I became attached to food in a new way.  Food no longer was a fuel stop; it became a nursing station. Then food got mixed up with money and spending as I would plan out grocery lists and budget around food availability. This clouded the issue even more with consumption in general being an additional confusion. The conversation was less and less about doing what is appropriate for my maintaining my body's energy level and more and more what is an affordable, immediately satisfying and a politically correct purchase.

Success stories of people my age and older getting their weight under control left me sad...and jealous, which is even sadder.  My knees and my shoulders and all my parts are giving into the stress of having to deal daily with my mass. I want to be inspired by these stories...and, of course, I am (because here I am, alas) but stories alone are not enough. I am succumbing to depression and not moving; a proven prescription for disaster.  What is too heavy?  Over 200 pounds is too big for my frame to handle. Over 200 pounds is idly waiting in line for the coronary according to my family medical history.

I was distracting myself into a mild coma at the computer the other day when I read that Neil Gaiman uses his fan base to motivate him into do the right thing with exercise. I thought that might be a key for me to to try on my lock. He said, "I'm missing Twitter, but mostly because I really want to use it to make me exercise. I love being able to tell nearly 2 million people I'm going to go and jog, and then I have to do it. It's not the same when I tell the walls."  So true...if my walls could talk they'd tell some tales of my empty promises; if they could walk they'd leave the premises in disgust! The walls of those who live alone bear witness to such sad, sad stories that sometimes only the weight bearing walls survive in testament.

Living alone supports a type of lifestyle that partnered people and those who live with others often do not "get". When you live alone with no one else to answer to, you live differently. You often have to monitor and discipline your self to get to anything. Just think what happens when your partner, child or roommate goes away for a week. After the fun of having some space wears off, are you aware of how much of the trajectory of your time spent is generated and regenerated by the interaction with your loved one or friend in your home?  I'd wager it is a lot.  There is an echo in the lives of single people that has to be dealt with somehow; an inertia. To deal with that, I am going to state to the internets that I have an eating disorder and I need to find the courage to deal with it. Of course, if I wait to garner two million fans, I will weigh a cubic ton.  The public statement on my blog will have to do...because it is a good idea. Not wanting to disappoint others until I have enough success to not want to disappoint myself, when done in the right spirit, is proven to be successful in keeping people motivated. It is an illusion, to be sure but we'll see if this key unlocks a healthier future for me. Ten laps around my cell block has not been enough when all roads lead to the fridge. We'll try this. It's a start, I guess...I can't honestly say I have much hope as it seems overwhelming to write this but then everything courageous requires an uncertain and improbable beginning. I must be brave.



Video credit: SaraBarillesVEVO