Working Together

"We shape our self
to fit this world

and by the world
are shaped again..."

Excerpt from "Working Together" © David Whyte
in The House of Belonging

Many Rivers Press

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Revelation: the opus

I am having an interesting holiday week.
All the winter spirits are lining up in their Holy Day finery.

I've been blessed with a chunk of time to ponder the Holy Days as well as try and piece together what has been happening to me over the course of the year regarding my word of the year: revelation.

It has been quite a trip. Fortunately I specialize in low dough holidays that pay off big so I can tell you I've gotten some mileage on this word over the course of this year. I figured I owed it to myself to stop and take a look at what went down and try and figure out how to present it in this forum.

Early on in this year, after I came upon my word, it was becoming clear that I wasn't connecting with people in meaningful ways. I was setting up relationships that, at best, allowed me engagement at a great distance - isolated, protected yet productive. It occurred to me that the changes that were needed might involve how I am connecting with the world. I began to examine my attachments. This didn't start out to be an exercise in finding fault though I expected it to be by habit. Clearly it was not by fault of anyone that I was attached to but by the way that I attached myself to them. So I let go of somethings that I loved but that I sensed didn't love me back in ways that allowed what is essential in my life to exist and thrive. I found myself lonely in fairly short order.

Surprisingly (and I might add, disappointingly) the things that remained after letting go; these things, if they did not invite me certainly requested my presence - they took me immediately to task demanding that I explain my deceit. I was not aware that anyone besides myself had noticed my deceit so I was surprised. This is one of those times in your life where you are standing around minding your own business making your own movie in your my movies I'm an idiot on the verge of chaos and inhalation....then suddenly, reality starts imitating the worst parts of the flick - the reel escapes and becomes r*e*a*l ...and I can't stop the camera. I found myself in a humiliating position where I had to defend myself or walk out the door and never look back. I figured this might have something to do with my word so where can I go? I looked up the next word in the dictionary...Revet: to face, as an embankment, with masonry or other material. Full body cast or go in. I chose to stand up and hold my ground like a woman.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I can't throw a punch. I fight like a girl. No. I don't fight like a girl. I correct that. I fight like a girl trained by an absent male parental unit. Most women fighting I'm used to is oriented to attack over matters of protecting babies. Well, it was easy enough to envision someone had grabbed my inner child from my arms and started dragging her around the room by her hair because that was exactly how it felt. I stood up. I did well though it is not something I want to do often. I have to admit it felt pretty good to see the offensive grip loosen and to pull myself together. Revelation.

So that is how the revelatory foundation appeared. In my next few blog entries until Solstice, I will talk a bit about making new movies for my mind and the dance.

Picture above is from the movie, "Golden Compass"

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