If I brought you a dove
From a cinnamon tree
Would you cage her with comfort
Like you've put around me
Or would you leave her to fly
To seek out the sky. . . . . . and the fire.
"If I Could Stay"
It is the Spring Equinox and time to ponder my word of the year "Expectation" in quarter round finals. Excuse me if I mention the obvious here in stating that when the country of Japan woke up on February 10th they did not expect that their lives were going to be irrevocably turned upside down and inside out by nature. Not a one. None of us who wanted desperately to help them expected to not have enough money to do so because the economy has been tapped so violently by rich self interest, oil dependence and the war machine. By it's very nature expecting is a game of chance as is made obvious by this event and it is as if to expect anything is only an enterprise for the those thoroughly insulated with a heart like a cue ball and a will of iron. In line, with anticipation are the delusional who are always in wait to inherit the appropriate shielding to call themselves included.
I was not expected either, to my Mom when she discovered she was pregnant with me. There was a tsunami of tears no doubt because to be a pregnant single, divorced mother of three in 1953 was no enviable position to be in. My childhood started out much like Pip in the Dicken's Classic of Great Expectations with early conversations with the devil who would make unreasonable demands of a child. I was turned upside down and shook and scared to death by threats of disembowelment for breathing a word of the truth.
This kind of start for a child sets a certain trajectory that takes years to get control of. I'm almost sixty and I'd have it down by now but for time always moving my chair. I learned how to hang on to the chair by staying seated. I did this for 18 years when the chair in which I was seated was recently kicked out from under me. I managed to get up and now I stand awkwardly in the open. What do I know about making a stand? I have spent my life either running or sitting.
I have been through enough in this life to know that nothing happens to people randomly...not really. That just has not been my experience. We may not be in control of everything that happens to us but it is true that all we ever really own is our reaction to each situation anyway. On some level we are all in a collective pool of light either helping or hindering the evolution of humanity. I had thought that I was supposed to right myself...get better...blend in. Who knew that so much would be expected of me? Not I. It was never proposed and completely omitted from my orientation to life. Who knew that a hardscrabble beginning was the introduction and the orientation to the radical life I was supposed to attend to? Maybe I thought I would live like a cuckoo in a clock and poke my head out to announce myself in a timely manner. I don't know what I was thinking, frankly, but my choice was made and my fate abated. Being forged by fire is clearly my greatest strength today with my game face askew and my daily agenda a lottery. I am ruined.
For all intents and purposes expectation, the first quarter of the year, Spring Equinox, and under the Perigee Super Moon of 2011, finds part of me standing with the survivors in the rubble in Sendai, Japan assessing damages and expecting tremulous surprises. Once I expected the sun to rise on a new day, now I am surprised the world keeps turning for the suffering...but turn it does; into a new day. Nothing will ever be the same for Japan. I don't expect anything will ever be the same for me either in a much smaller, personal way. Still, we all forge ahead.
Thanks to Citizen K for posting the video above on his blog so I could steal it.
Thank you to Peter Tibbles of Time Goes By Sundays for turning me on to the music of Paul Siebel.