courage, as the year comes to a close...that is, not until today.
I had the good fortune to attend a social gathering last night. It was held in a home that I had been to before, just after I moved to Bellingham ten years ago. That event was also a party. I was treated to a unique opportunity to compare the me I was then to the me I am now and I have to admit, with all the water under the bridge, I am a completely different beast this time around! Some of the things were the same; the fighting past my introversion to attend at all and the plotting to leave after the requisite 45 minute attendance. What was new was a tolerance for that part of myself and an openness to let the evening unfold as it will beyond any expectation of feeling uncomfortable. That was very new.
When considering this post, I've been thinking about the way I have been emerging with the weight loss regimen. I've been thinking about the folly of dieting and the many reasons people fight to loose their weight. All the factors that are involved; the fashion industry, popular culture, the lies, the influence of poverty and the vacuum of trying to fulfill other people's expectations. It is enough to make ones mind explode. I wondered if I would be writing about those things over the year as I was following through on this promise to myself.
What I realized when I reached the magical 30 pound weight loss marker was that this has been a very personal journey that had to happen. I had to find the courage to commit to my health and well being or I would die. It is really that simple. All those other "issues" where just smoke. I could not live a quality - or ANY type of - life if I had continued to plow my way through food while dragging my body along in my daily endeavors as I was doing. As I lightened, I also received an epiphany regarding why I choose being heavy...there was an investment and a reason. I wanted to be invisible; I wanted to hide so I could change. Weight was required. I needed - not only to move to the farthest upper left hand corner of the United States by myself - but I needed to hide from the world at large by being large. It was a perfect disguise, if wearisome as a mask that I had to look at in the mirror for over ten years but that was part of it too. That was the getting "fed up" part of the process.
All of this weight loss may sound overwhelmingly liberating for me and it is. Now it is revealed that there is another level of courage that is required. I'm presented with a "do over" of sorts. There is an overwhelming pull to redesign a life that will replicate past mistakes. Fortunately, I haven't been exactly idle in cultivating my interests and most of those are things I would never have dreamed I would find the least bit interesting ten years ago. As well, I have a bale of lessons learned regarding my nature and my nurture that are much clearer to me now. All and all the foundation has been laid to become more present and the courage to move forward with that awaits my command of the key. Committing to finding the courage to be more accessible to trust others; the courage to be a me that I really do not understand well but have faith in; the courage to accept a life of flight to the end and leave off the groveling earthbound focus I have understood and loved are all the new needs of a lighter me.
The dark times will close in soon to reveal next years word of the year but I can't be bothered with that right now. My wings are drying while new ways of being in the world are forever unfolding in an endless panoply across a welcoming sky.
Thank you to dscottprod for the video and Ronni Bennett of Time Goes By and my buddy, Joe Ormond, for inspiration in getting my courage up.